"Rock Me Gently"

The following excerpts are taken from "rock me gently" by Heather Neal, from mothering magazine:

"As we limit dangerous behaviors, toddlers experience a loss of power, control and independence. Even gentle methods of discipline prohibit toddlers from fully satiating their curiosity about our world. The author states that "is is unfair of her to expect her toddler to be content with that, even if the limits are reasonable".

"Toddlers cannot understand adult logic, and it infuriates them. They cannot understand why giving high fives are acceptable, but slapping your face is not. They are heartbroken that water can be poured in the sink, but not on the floor. They are perplexed that knives can hurt, when they see us using them to dice veggies. Toddlers can predict responses from us for their age appropriate but undesirable behaviors, but they are still a long way from understanding the reasoning, much less internalizing the thought process".

The author questions the wisdom of trying to eliminate tantrums, as difficult as they are to see and hear. "A tantrum is an explosion of intense feelings that are frightening for a toddler to experience. They occur when the child loses the ability to regulate emotions. They are experienced more toddler is hungry, tired, or overstimulated. They do not yet have the brain connections needed to process these emotions. Toddlers need us to help them navigate painful experiences. Some of these tantrums are an attempt for the toddler to feel in control of their actions". They suggest ways to safely give the toddler a feeling of power and control.

For example:
Let them dump water outside, and help clean up the water they dumped inside.
Let them jump from an imaginary tree branch, rather than the real tree.
Offer productive roles in the family (sweeping the floor, mixing batter etc).

"Many see tantrums as a toddler trying to be manipulative, and parents are often advised to take a firm stance against such displays. The author argues that a toddler is searching for inner control, and the only discipline that should be taken is to stick with the limit that was set. Exerting power over her, withdrawing support, or punishing will only leave them feeling powerless, which will make desire for control much greater".

"Many tantrums occur when parents have expectations of the toddler that are not age appropriate. Even when our requests seem fair, toddlers might still react with a strong feeling. To ask them to deny their feelings of frustration and disappointment, is to ask them to deny their humanity. it also sends the message that we adults are unable to tolerate negative emotions."

"If we calmly handle these strong feelings, and refrain from using permissive or punitive strategies, we send a different message, that conflict with a loved one does not mean the end of the love."

The author states that she believes it is far more important to provide healthy outlets for expressing emotions, than to seclude, ignore, or punish children for having emotions. Research has found that restricting children's negative emotions may result in a child who had more explosive emotions, displays more distress, and are less emotionally competent then their peers. Parents might be able to control their children's outward displays of emotion through control, but they can't make those feelings disappear.

It goes on to say that "the traditional assumption that encouraging obedience in early years is the best way to foster long term character. In fact, rules and obedience seem to affect only behaviors... They fear the punishment so they behave. They do not really respect or understand the adult logic. It seems harsh to use punishment with a young child who has so few strategies for resolving conflict."

In summary at the end it states: "studies consistently show that even the context of discipline is critical to moral development, and indicate that parental warmth and attachment security advance the development of a conscience. Well attached children are more likely to embrace familial values. Loving and respecting a child are the most critical components of any disciplinary framework". She ends by talking about nursing her daughter in the rocking chair after a tantrum, (rather than the naughty chair) and "feeling the love flow through them."